Saturday, April 17, 2010

How would you feel about this?

I got a hand-addressed envelope from a local address today. I did not recognize the name, but I recognized the part of town it was sent from.

It was a hand-written letter from a woman I'd never met, who saw that I'd given birth in the vital statistics section of the newspaper. She was writing to congratulate me, and to let me know that she would be happy to welcome me into her church, so that my baby could have God in his life. She casually mentioned that he needed extra blessings, as he was born out of wedlock.

The odd thing is that our local birth announcements only state that a boy was born to (my name) at Hamot Hospital on January 17, 2008. She must have used that info to obtain my home address, which is not hard, since I'm listed in the phone book.

All in all, it was a very kind gesture on her part. I can't help but feel a bit weirded about it, however. I guess times have changed, and we can't trust anyone anymore, especially when it comes to our childrens' safety.

How would you feel about this?
send her some bloody chicken bones %26amp; tell her she is welcome to join you in celebrating your own faith. I mean WTF you want me to take care of this for you?
Reply:That does seem a bit odd....

You can never be too careful!
Reply:I would be totally weirded out by that.
Reply:I was thinking the same thing, Logans mommy!

/I would have been offended
Reply:I would feel very weird about that. It sounds kind of creepy actually. I would keep the letter just in case something happens, because you never know.
Reply:Yikes. :|

Btw.. I think I just saw something that looked like a floating woman %26amp; umbrella...
Reply:That is kind of weird, and why my local hospital and newspaper have worked together to stop publishing births. It's too risky. You know, despite that weird fact, I think I would be more creeped out by the fact that it seems that she wasn't really writing to congratulate you, but to tell you that your baby is going to burn in hell if you don't take him to her church. That would concern me.
Reply:Honestly myself, I would be p*ssed because I am not religious, and do not like to be bothered by people who think that is wrong.

I never mention religion or the fact that I'm not religious to people who are, so I expect the same from them.

If you are religious, and are interested, that's great that you have someone who is so willing to support you... but the fact that she assumed, and also wrote he needs "Extra blessings" because you guys aren't married.... well that is rude.
Reply:It is not her business whether he was born in or out of wedlock. He has enough blessings having such a caring momma as yourself. Keep the envelope and her name in case you ever hear from her again. You cant be too cautious when it comes to your children. Warn your single mother friends. Maybe write a letter to the editor, call your local paper or the police.

Over all .....Creepy!!
Reply:that would personally freak me out. My little girls are my life, and something like that, even though it was a kind gesture, would make me worry about their safety.
Reply:I would be freaked out. And I think a little offended.
Reply:Yeah, what Tanya said. Actually, maybe I'd contact her church, if it's at all mainstream. I don't think any normal churches would dig that.

Overall: ew.
Reply:I would be weirded out and offended. So what if the child is born out of wedlock??? This is not the 1950's.

If I had a relationship in the past, I would be writing her back to say thank you.

If this is a stranger- and it was- no way.

Good luck!
Reply:Reminds me of that movie "Where the Heart is" w/ Natalie Portman.

That couple from Midnight Mississippi came to bring the word of God into 'The Walmart baby's' life because she was an abomination. When they were denied into the house, they later came back and stole the baby to baptise her. LOL. I love that movie..Be careful, theres some crazy people out there.
Reply:I agree w/ Logan's Mommy... I totally thought of that movie too!!!

I wouldn't be wierded out or offeded by the religious aspect of it... maybe because I am pretty religious myself, maybe not... but I would we wierded out and sort of worried about the safety issue... sort of like this lady stalked me and my baby - regardless of the reason.

I would personally call the local police department... and tell them about it... maybe bring them a copy of the letter and address. Just to sort of let them know... God forbid... if anything should happen. If not for yourself and your children, then for someone else's.

This is most likely totally harmless, just a religious die hard on a mission to save all the "illegitimate babies" from who knows what... but what if it isnt?
Reply:although she may have meant well, it is completely uncalled for to do what she did. and not to mention disrespect to you and your baby. people should not try and push religion on other people, though it happens. i would definately feel violated and angry. she now knows where you live and i have heard some cases where they actually show up to your door with bibles. i would call the church and tell them that you dont appreciate being violated.
Reply:You sound like you are taking it better then I would it definitely would have freaked me out and the extra blessings for being born out of wedlock would probably have made my head explode!

How to find out if you are adopted - when no one will tell.?

My husband was supposedly born in Texas at the same hospital as his siblings. We did a serch of county records and there is no record of him. All 3 of his siblings were listed, but not him. His family will not talk to us now because he has questioned things. We have no way of knowing his real name, birthdate, birth city or state. His mother kept us away from his Grandpa (the only one who would've talked) who lived with her then claimed he died 300 miles away, but said she didn't have a funeral for him. She flipped out when we asked for his Birth certificate so he could get a passport (she never gave it to him). We ordered one from the state and they sent a "Certification of Vital Statistics". She wouldn't give him his SS card when we needed it for a home loan, then she gave him one that looked nothing like mine (same age, same state). So we do have pleanty of reason to doubt, we just have no clue where to begin.

How to find out if you are adopted - when no one will tell.?
Look at the Date it was filed with vital statistics. If there is a period of time between the birthdate and the filing date, it is more than likely an amended certificate.

Make sure you ask for a 'full long-form birth certificate' they contain more details than the short form.

I'm so sorry if your hubby has been deceived in this way, there is no excuse for secrets and lies. None.

There are other things he can do to discover the truth. You may find the information on this site helpful. Apply for Non-Identifying information and join the registries, this will give you an answer either way; and I would suggest finding his birth on the Texas birth index too
Reply:%26gt;%26gt;%26gt;His family will not talk to us now because he has questioned things.%26gt;%26gt;%26gt;

bingo. they're running scared. and they are lying. i wouldn't be remotely shocked to find out he's adopted.
Reply:get a copy of his birth certificate from vital statistics and look for a notation that says "ammended" on it.
Reply:May have to hire a PI to investigate. Can't believe they won't be up front. Could he have been kidnap?
Reply:Welcome to adoption.

I have an "amended" birth certificate that lists my adoptive parents as if they were my biological progenitors. And it was registered with the county clerk almost a year after my birth when my adoption became finalized. Most people don't notice that my birth certificate is weird. But if you look closely and you know what to look for the hints are there.

Y'know...maybe it is just time to sit down with his mom and ask for the truth. If it were me, I'd tell her this is her ONE and ONLY chance to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I'd advise her that if you find out anything contradictory or very different in the future you will then know that she willingly lied to you during the talk. I think an important question to ask her is WHY she is being so secretive...
Reply:Definitely have him request his long form birth certificate from the state. Original birth certificates are signed by the doctor/midwife who was present at the birth. Amended birth certificates are signed by the clerk and sometimes by the adoptive parents. Another option is to contact the Surrogates or Family Court in the county his adoptive parents resided when he was born/adopted. Unfortunately, some courts won't release any information without the adoptive parents permission - no matter what the age of the adoptee. Try to get a Certificate of Adoption. It won't have his original name or his birth parents' names, but it will be incontrovertable proof that he was adopted.
Reply:What on earth is a Certification of Vital Statistics? You asked for a Birth Cerificate. I would go back and say this isn't what I asked for, can I have my Birth Certificate? If they can't give you one, then ask why? If you get nowhere, then it definitely looks fishy. Everyone has a birth certificate, even if it is not the original.

Aside from expensive investigators, the only people who will know are those directly involved. It sounds as if they are hiding something. If things are so bad that his family are not talking to him then he has nothing to lose. Try to arrange a meeting with is mother, say you don't want to argue, but need to sit down and resolve things. Explain that you have no desire to cut anyone out and his mother is his mother, BUT, she is doing nothing to make him feel secure, and he believes he may be adopted. If she can be made to see that she has more chance of losing him as a son by keeping him in the dark, than by telling him the truth and letting him find his heritage, she may just open up.

Otherwise, what about old neighbours or family friends from when they were children - someone must know!
Reply:The certificate of birth and the certificate from vital statistics are the same thing. Whether you are adopted or not, when you order a new copy of your birth certificate it will look different from year to year as the office changes forms but there will not be a difference between an adopted child's and a biological child's birth certificate.

The best place to start in Texas is here:

just say that he is adopted and register, that way if he is and his parents or birth family is searching for him the #'s will match up (ie: DOB) and the computer will make the connection.

The other thing is that SS cards for adopted people are the same as everyone else. Have him order a new one from the SS office (they are free) and you get one at the same time, you will see that there is no difference between the two.

Where I live, in Oregon, we have laws that allow adopted people to open their sealed records, see if there is anyone working in your state to make it happen, and if so tell as many people as you can so that the laws get passed. Here, we file the paperwork, pay the fee, see the counselor, then we can see our whole "pre-adoption

Passport on hold?

My wife and I applied for our passports on Nov. 26th for a trip to Mexico that departs on Feb. 5, 2008, I know I had plenty of time to get it so I didnt expedite. My wife received hers on Dec. 22, I received a letter telling me my birth certificate is a short form not a long form (WTF?????) Even though my BC was from vital statistics from Texas and I've used it to get into Mexico before. So I order my Long form Express but I am running out of time, I called the Passport Center and they told me I have to send it to them, I cannot go to a local agency and get one expedited because when they run my name it will come up "on hold" and they will not issue one. Am I screwed? This is sad. I still have to send it to South Carolina, they told by this week if I wanted to make it. Texas takes 10-15 bus. days, I ordered on Dec. 24th and paid for express mail.

Any advice would be appreciated, Thanks

Passport on hold?
You are in sort of a helpless position...not much you can do. when you get the birth certificate, mail it in to passport office express mail. You could try calling the birth certificate office and asking if they could do it IMMEDIATELY PLEEZZE...beg! can you reschedule your trip for a couple of weeks later? Did you ask the passport office if they can CANCEL the application they have so you could submit a new expedited one? You have probably already thought of these things, but figured I'd try. Hope it works out for you. also, I presume you are planning to FLY to Mexico. Passports are not needed for LAND and SEA travel to Mexico until after summer 2008...that requirement was pushed back and the exact date is not yet set.

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What do you think about this quote from The Basic Bastard?

"The amended birth certificate, which names the adoptive parents in the place of the birth parents, was first proposed by two Registrars of Vital Statistics in 1931 and was utilized by most states by the end of World War II. In the decades leading up to World War II, court records and original birth certificates were sealed to the public, the explicit reason given being to protect the adoptive family from exposure to embarrassment or even blackmail regarding the illegitimate origins of the adoptee, or in cases where the adoptee had not been told of the adoption to keep that the prerogative of the adoptive parents. Many states sealed adoption records to birth parents as well, fearing their interference in the life of the adoptee. Nowhere in any of these original statutes is there is any reference to the protection of birth parents' privacy."

What do you think about this quote from The Basic Bastard?
It raises all kinds of questions, I think.

Primarily, in my mind, is: "Why did it switch?" If the practice began in order to protect adoptees from the indignity of illegitimacy (an indignity that seems alive and well, if recent discussions here are any indication, since so many people seemed at pains to deny that adoptees are illegitimate - which makes me think they believe being illegitimate is a bad thing to be), why has it become about protecting first parents from adoptees?

Apparently, being a child born to a single mother is no longer an issue. Now, the indignity is in giving birth to a child if one is a single woman.

This quote is simply one more piece of evidence that sealed records isn't really about protecting privacy of first parents. But it does beg the question: Why do so many adoption agencies work so hard to keep these records sealed?
Reply:I think the idea of sealed records in the 1930's was indeed to protect the adoptee. Being illegitimate in those days was a scandal and often resulted in discrimination against the illegitimate child--even into adulthood.

BUT TIMES HAVE CHANGED! The need for this sort of subterfuge no longer exists.
Reply:I think the concept/theory is way past outdated. It's 2008. we actually have scientific data now to support the reasons that reunion with adoptees and their first families is NOT detrimental and is often quite healing. We are hiding behind old ideas that were not based on any kind of clinical studies to begin with.!!!!!
Reply:It makes me want to scream. I DON'T WANT TO BE PROTECTED FROM THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!

I don't want my children to be protected from the truth!!!!!!!! I don't want their natural families to be protected from the truth!!!!!!!!!!

I grew up with a damn huge elephant in my living room. I'll be DAMNED if my kids are going to do the same thing.
Reply:I think the records where closed to protect the birthparents but its not right for the adopted children or adopted people they shouldnt do that people should be allowed to know there birth certificate
Reply:It was a sign of the times and worked for that generation.
Reply:i think that it shows the mindset of people in the 1930's.
Reply:Shoot, as an adoptee, I NEVER felt and still don't "feel like all the other kids," because I didn't know where I came from and nobody could tell me. I felt ashamed of myself. Being born to an unwed mother had nothing to do with that feeling--it was the cover-up that did it.

It's high time we either did away with sealed records altogether or allowed adoptees access to their records upon coming of age. And the base lie that this was done to protect my first mother from being found by me should be corrected wherever it's found until people finally understand that records were sealed for the convenience and emotional security of adoptive parents.
Reply:i think it's archaic. the child seems to be the last priority in that thinking.

it seems to me that though it doesn't mention birth parent privacy, that it must have been a factor. In those days they were considered outcasts from society, as opposed to these times, when professional, well-educated single women and movie stars are choosing to have children on their own today. i think the "illegitimacy" label is fading away. at least i hope so. who cares if a child was born into or out of a marriage? it's basic human decency to treat children with love and respect regardless of their origins. what happened to the notion of judge not lest ye be judged? that quote sounds like something stemming out of old time bible-thumping intolerant religion.

i think it's important for adoptees to be able to know their origins. i would think it would also be helpful to the adoptive parents as they are raising this child to be able to have access to this background as health issues pop up.
Reply:I have one adopted child and two biological children, and my name is on the birth certificates of all three of my children. My son didn't happen to be "illegitimate".

I think it was good for him to have my name and my husband's name on his birth certificate, so when he did things like hand in a birth certificate for baseball (or whatever) he could feel like all the other kids (rather than having a stranger's name on the certificate).

I think the amended birth certificate is kind of nice for reasons like that.

As far as birth parents go, except in the case of a birth mother who was raped, I just feel that someone let an unwanted pregnancy happen by either being too careless or by taking a chance. Then, too, some adoptees are adopted because their birth mother hurt them or neglected them.

Children become adoptees because of the actions of their birth parents, and adoptive parents are the ones who have to figure out how to make their child feel secure and loved and the same as every other child. Some adoptive mothers have to pick up the pieces of damage done for years.

I think the protection and interest of the child is Number 1 at all times, and I think adoptive parents have a right to expect a certain amount of protection, as well as support in their efforts to make the child feel as secure and whole as possible.

I'm very sorry for the birth parents, but (again, except in the case of rape) they are the ones who created a situation which led to one person having to deal with being adopted and two other people (the adoptive parents) trying to deal with whatever challenges there are in trying to make an adopted child feel "like everyone else".

Birth mothers pay a heartbreaking price for their mistake(s); and I'm sorry for that, but they are the ones who created the situation. I'm not of the old fashioned kind of thinking that birth mothers ought to be ostracized or punished, but if there's some rotten situation related to the birth certificate, well, I guess, that's part of the rotten price they end up paying for letting an unwanted pregnancy occur.

Under normal and legal adoptions adoptive parents are screened for being emotionally and mentally solid. Birth parents have already created a situation which tells the world they aren't the most "solid" or mature people. I don't think it's such a horrible injustice for laws to keep an eye out to protect the child from a potentially unstable birth mother.

What should I wear??!?

hey yahoo trinny and susannah wannabes!!

Right Ive been asked to a wedding in March - I want to look stunning obviously, but am unsure of what to wear so would appreciate a bit of help!

So whilst I do want to accentuate my curves - I dont want to show too much either if you know what I mean...

So any ideas would be really good as I need to get cracking on getting an outfit... vital statistics would be Im a 38E on top, size 10 waist and about 5 foot 6 - so if you have any ideas what would look good it would be much apprciated!

Thanks a mil!


What should I wear??!?

I think all these dresses are stunning - I am going to a party next month and I am gonna be buying one of these myself!!!!

They each have shoes and bags on the same page that look really nice with the dresses..........

Hope you like them too - I love the 50's style very flattering and great at playing up them curves! The red one is more of a show stopper I think but the black ones are very classy....
Reply:well to know totally i would need to know your hair colour and eye colour. if you have blue eyes, go for a shade the best same as you can. not long i dont think, about just above knee. if red hair a long dark green if good. if brown hair hot pink with silver knee length would be perfect, and if blond with not blue eyes, go for the blue dress anyway. good luck!
Reply:what ever you do dont were whites because the bride is the only one who weres the white dress were something that matchesw with your skin tone and the color of your eyes and hair xxcassiexx
Reply:Hey! Well hit the sales while they're still on and try to find just a simple black dress, not too low-cut but no lower than the knee (I got a nice one at H%26amp;M). Then, with the money you save on the dress, accessorize like crazy! Get a wide belt in gold or red and some chunky jewellery, and some matching shoes :) It's a really classic style but I think from your description you'll look amazing.

Good luck! xxx
Reply:in whites
Reply:i am roughly the same size as you, so i would wear a dress that comes to about the knees with a brand just under the breast with i nice pair of high heels, have a good time x
Reply:There is always that little black dress that you can make stunning with the right jewelery. You can dress that up with black, black and white or even red heels!

You can look through some fashion magazines and find a look you like and copy it.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Lack of Divorce Decree to apply for marriage license. What do you do?

I noticed that for my state, a copy of the divorce decree is required to apply for the marriage license. What if you don't have that? Do you write the court for a copy of the document or is just proof of divorce from Vital Statistics usually enough. Anybody who has needed this know?

Lack of Divorce Decree to apply for marriage license. What do you do?
You can pretty much go to the court that issued your decree for a copy. This may cost you a few bucks, but its worth it, right?
Reply:I wonder why you don't already have a copy of the decree. This seems like a valuable document that you should have obtained as soon as it was available from the courthouse.

Anyway all you have to do is go to the courthouse and ask for it and pay the money to have it copied. Mine cost $1 per page and was about 40 pages long (also includes custody agreement though that is quite lengthy).

I would also say that if the rules say you need a 'divorce degree' to get a marriage license than that is what you need. What can Vital Statistics provide you with that says you are divorced? The only proof I have is my decree.
Reply:Go to the courthouse and ask for a copy of your divorce decree. Or you can also call and they will mail you one.
Reply:You will need to contact the court that granted the decree for a certified copy of the decree. You'll pay a few bucks.
Reply:Marriage and Divorce are considered public matters. Anyone who knows you and the county in which you were legally divorced can go to the courthouse and get a copy. It may cost about 50cents per page but it will be worthwhile, right? Ask your ex too, he/she might have a copy.
Reply:Why don't you already have a copy? You can go to the court house and get a copy rom the clerk, most of the time it's just a dollar per page. Keep this one, you will need it forever.
Reply:You have to get a copy of your final divorce degree from the courthouse.

I wish all states required proof that you are legally divorced, it would help prevent a lot of people from committing bigamy.

Weird Sizing?

For info:

I'm 31yrs old, 12st 4lbs, 5'6" tall and using two tape measures I have measured my vital statistics as the following:

Chest: 46" (Bra 40F/42E)

Waist: 42" (narrowest point)

Hips: 47" (widest point)

At Marks %26amp; Spencer I usually wear a size 18, according to their size charts a size 18 is:

Chest 42"

Waist 35"

Hips 45"

or Per Una

Chest 41"

Waist 34"

Hips 45"

If I used the size chart as a guide I would need:

Chest: Size 24

Waist: Size 24

Hips: Size 20

How can this be so drastically different? My measurements are 100% accurate and I've only found one garment at M%26amp;S that doesn't fit me and that's at the waistband.

Weird Sizing?
I have found that size charts lie all the time.

It is possible that they made the size chart a while ago and have since changed the patter that they are using to make the clothes.

Size doesn't really matter all that much anyhow, its really how the clothes fit your body and how confident you feel in them.

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